I’m Too Smart To Be Living In Israel

May 25, 2012

Dozens of thousands of people are crossing the southern border into Israel and it seems everyone’s lost site of how relatively simple an issue this actually is. A few logical questions, and we can figure it all out.

1- WHY are they coming?

  • Because they live in war zones and either chose to run away or are forced to run away.
  • Because of globalization. People that are suffering where they are tend to want to make a better life for themselves.

2- WHY should we have to deal with this?

  • Because we are financing these wars, we’re training combatants in these regions, we’re supplying them with weapons. So, generally, because we went into their countries way before they came into ours. And because we helped generate the problem forcing them out.
  • I guess you could also mention how England sent our ships back to Germany and we’re kind of doing the same to them. But, seeing how we helped the Serbians murder thousands of Bosnians, I’m pretty sure that argument doesn’t fly with anyone anymore.

3- WHAT should we do?

  • Stop funding wars in other countries and start dealing with our own crap.
  • Give them refugee status and everything that goes along with it.
  • Give them work permits instead of importing dozens of thousands of workers from south East Asia every year at a higher expense.

4- WHY AREN’T we doing all these logical things?

  • Because for the govt. it’s worthwhile keeping these people at “infiltrator” status and not upgrading them to “refugee”.

5- WHY is it worthwhile keeping them at “infiltrator”?

  • Because if they were to be given refugee status, that would require (in the govt. opinion, not in actual finance logic) spending more money
  • It would also, and more importantly, require giving them blue ID cards which we only like to give to Jews.

Oh my god! This was so easy to figure out! I can’t believe it took me only 5 minutes.

All the more proof that I’m too smart to be living in Israel.

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Reality Taglit Episode 3

January 9, 2011

(The third in an on-going series, the first can be found Here, the second Here)…

I hope you enjoyed your nap on road 443 and would like to welcome you to the State of Tel-Aviv.

Passports won’t be necessary. The official language here is “yuppy”, the official religion “hedonism”. Tel-Aviv is one of Israel’s prides and joys. It is a marvelous example for how millions can completely disassociate themselves from a reality occurring 20 KM east of them, yet remember to Vote Right when the time comes (pun intended, duh).

In order to not completely dissasociate from its parent-state, the Tel-Aviv area has recently chosen a number of struggles to invest their efforts into, out of solidarity with the State of Israel’s struggle for existence. They are currently working on kicking Arab citizens out of their neighborhoods, rounding up political asylum seekers and blaming them for every misfortune to plague the local Police force and convincing Jewish girls to drop their groceries and run if the cashier’s name is Mohammad, Basem, Wasim, Nabil, or anything else that sounds dirty.

Mike from Kentucky: can you maybe tone down the boring politics? We didn’t come here to see what’s going on, we came to see Israel. When will we get a chance to go to the beach? I hear Tel-Aviv has beautiful white sandy beaches.

Yes of course, and you couldn’t be more right, they are uniquely beautiful beaches. In fact, as part of our attempt to promote Tel-Aviv’s beaches, we make sure to eliminate any competition from neighboring countries such as Lebanon. Today we are proud to say that Beirut can no longer be considered in the same European category as Tel-Aviv thanks to us.

We will now be stopping at Azrieli mall for a lunch break. You will be able to witness the hundreds of soldier-secretaries that we have turned our women into. We have managed to get tens of thousands of women to throw away 2 years of their life in order to serve coffee to molesting nincompoops with ego disorders. A phenomenon at which to marvel.

Later today we will be driving up North to the Galilee, where you will be able to witness 40,000 acres of burnt land and houses- another project the State of Israel prides itself on putting a lot of thought into.


Reality Taglit Episode 1

January 7, 2011

(The first in a series to come)…

I would like to welcome the participants of Reality-Taglit-2011 to Israel.

On behalf of Israel’s Jewry, the International Jewry and Europe’s diceased Jewry, I would like to thank you for for sacrificing so much to be here. Obviously you Jews from abroad are all about sacrificing for the state of Israel and we appreciate it. Without you, a 40 year occupation, illegal tear gas and Israeli weapons of mass destruction would not be possible.

Before I go on with the detailed schedule, I would like to ask the females to move to the back of the bus. Allowing females to ride in the front has recently been scientifically proven to sexually turn men on and prevent them from thinking up effective Patriarchal and Militaristic strategies whilst riding the bus, something that could be detrimental to the fragile state of our Jewish existence in this ocean of Jew-haters. Since the State of Israel prides itself on being a high-tech, modern, scientific empire, we are now abiding by these findings.

Oh! Wow, lucky you! If you look quickly to your right, you’ll see a pseudo-religious woman being arrested for trying to pray. How exciting!

Jessica from Pennsylvania (with a confuzzled look on her face): what do you mean pseudo-religious? and why is she being arrested for praying?!

Well Jessica, for starters, these women are not true Jews since they don’t observe the Sabbath and don’t always adhere themselves to the modest dress code good Jews live by.

Jessica (now just looking plain dumb): but those same criteria are true for me as well…

True, but the people paying for you to be here have specifically advised we should not limit you in your dress or be too picky of your Jewish knowledge/ relation to Judaism/ plain morals, otherwise you wouldn’t agree to this huge sacrifice of coming on a two-week all-expenses-paid trip with a private bus and guide which we conveniently end at the Holocaust Museum before sending you back to guilt your ‘back-then-anti-zionist-families-that-chose-america-today-crazy-zionist-god-knows-why-families’ into contributing to our continuous struggle of surviving as the only democracy in the middle east.

Brian from California: So you’re saying that we, American Jews, are actually a bigger help to the existence of Israel then some of the Jews living here? How exciting!

Yes, exactly. Because you don’t live here, have no idea what’s going on here and faithfully subscribe to @IDFSpokesperson and @DannyAyalon and truly believe every piece of bullshit they throw your way and write a check for it, your support is invaluable!

I see there’s really no need for the tour to even leave the parking lot, seems you’ve been made to feel appreciated enough for the first day. You’re all dismissed to go out and drink the rest of the money the world’s Jews are paying into this program.

Just be careful of the diapers and burning trash being swung at you as you depart the bus, we are parked in the old city on the Holy Sabbath after all. Some Holy behavior is to be expected.


My Goodbyes

January 5, 2011

Funny how some chronic diseases can just lie around, cause a bit of trouble here and there, but nothing life threatening. And then one day they erupt, and you don’t even make it to the phone to dial the ambulance and the patient is already dead.

I’m not sure if this has already happened and I missed my shot at saying goodbye! Has Israel died and this is its afterlife? or is it still just chronically ill and the acting up is intensifying but the patient is still not critical?

This is crucial! I have some goodbyes to say and I wouldn’t like to think I missed my chance!

So, here goes, here are my goodbyes, hope I’m not too late!

  • Goodbye to my school days of running around with Meretz and Banki bumper stickers from car to car, getting yelled at for being an Ashkenazi-Jew, and then watching those assholes’ faces while I yell back that my grandma was Iraqi and my grandfather was Syrian and their families risked their lives to come to Israel and risked them a second time defending it, and with all of this- I still think Arabs are humans!
  • Lehitraot to my kindergarten teacher whom, now when i think about it, must be a Liberman voter these days, hence she will probably never be up for an emotional reunion.
  • Salamat to 2 years of my life that I spent serving the Defense Forces because I thought it would buy me the right to speak freely and be critical of a country I thought I belonged to.
  • Farewell to a huge part of my library that will be confiscated by the authorities any moment now.
  • Auf Wiedersehen to a country I grew up believing in, devoted my time to defend, traveled in, took care of and cherished, that is paying me back in true mafia form- by taking me out.

I miss you already.