Reality Taglit Episode 4

January 12, 2011

(The fourth in an on-going series, the first can be found Here, the second Here, the third Here)…

I’m sure you all admired the length of the Separation Wall that could be seen throughout a majority of road 6 on our Journey from Tel-Aviv to Haifa.

We will shortly be arriving at Mount Carmel which was set on fire last month by young Arab hooligans.

Brittany from Chicago: I thought  it was an accident, that the boy was a Druze and that a higher percentage of them serve in the IDF than the percentage of Jewish kids?

I’m not quite sure what that word ‘Druze’ means. Either way, the boy was a non-Jewish, ungrateful hooligan that exposed our govt. with their pants down and caused them to make one very unpleasant phone call to an enemy country.

Chris from Seattle: are you referring to Turkey? Doesn’t Israel have diplomatic relations with it?

Yes, and the Turkish are constantly abusing these relations to prove to the EU that they’re worth membership. So much in fact, that in the past we had to call in their ambassador, sit him on a small couch (!) and publicly humiliate him in order to remind him Who’s the Boss and how the Israeli Diplomacy game is played.

Brittany, again: I’m curious as to why the Palestinian fire-fighters that were called and came to help put out the fire, were not granted entrance back into Israel for the award ceremony.

Israel uses the most advanced technological methods in the world to base its security on- such as building a wall and shooting at anything that looks remotely suspicious. If they weren’t allowed back in, it means that they were identified by this intricately advanced, state-of-the-art security system, as security threats.

As you can see, we are already in the process of rebuilding and replanting in the area. The people of Israel showed such admirable unity in standing united against the fire, that the govt. has rewarded them by adding a clause in this years’ budget that states that it cares so much about their safety, that if it wasn’t for the constant state of emergency Israel has been suspended in for the last 70 years, the govt. would have been more than happy to transfer the 125 million NIS -currently being cut out of the education, culture and development budget- into the fire fighters’ and other emergency services budget, rather than into the defense budget that is simply in much greater need of that money these terror-ridden days.

As you can see, we are coming up on Nazareth, home of Jesus, a popular site for christian lunatics that pay for our existence. Before you ask, I’ll explain right now, the reason the Christmas Tree wasn’t allowed to be publicly displayed is because those crazy Christians will keep paying us regardless, so why do we have to turn our nice Jewish country into Christmas central? just because some ungrateful Arabs claim they celebrate it? Think about it. That’s just not logical!

And now, I would like to introduce the soldiers we brought to escort and guide you throughout the rest of your trip.

**Clapping**


Reality Taglit Episode 3

January 9, 2011

(The third in an on-going series, the first can be found Here, the second Here)…

I hope you enjoyed your nap on road 443 and would like to welcome you to the State of Tel-Aviv.

Passports won’t be necessary. The official language here is “yuppy”, the official religion “hedonism”. Tel-Aviv is one of Israel’s prides and joys. It is a marvelous example for how millions can completely disassociate themselves from a reality occurring 20 KM east of them, yet remember to Vote Right when the time comes (pun intended, duh).

In order to not completely dissasociate from its parent-state, the Tel-Aviv area has recently chosen a number of struggles to invest their efforts into, out of solidarity with the State of Israel’s struggle for existence. They are currently working on kicking Arab citizens out of their neighborhoods, rounding up political asylum seekers and blaming them for every misfortune to plague the local Police force and convincing Jewish girls to drop their groceries and run if the cashier’s name is Mohammad, Basem, Wasim, Nabil, or anything else that sounds dirty.

Mike from Kentucky: can you maybe tone down the boring politics? We didn’t come here to see what’s going on, we came to see Israel. When will we get a chance to go to the beach? I hear Tel-Aviv has beautiful white sandy beaches.

Yes of course, and you couldn’t be more right, they are uniquely beautiful beaches. In fact, as part of our attempt to promote Tel-Aviv’s beaches, we make sure to eliminate any competition from neighboring countries such as Lebanon. Today we are proud to say that Beirut can no longer be considered in the same European category as Tel-Aviv thanks to us.

We will now be stopping at Azrieli mall for a lunch break. You will be able to witness the hundreds of soldier-secretaries that we have turned our women into. We have managed to get tens of thousands of women to throw away 2 years of their life in order to serve coffee to molesting nincompoops with ego disorders. A phenomenon at which to marvel.

Later today we will be driving up North to the Galilee, where you will be able to witness 40,000 acres of burnt land and houses- another project the State of Israel prides itself on putting a lot of thought into.


Reality Taglit Episode 2

January 8, 2011

(The second in an on-going series, the first can be found Here)…

Good morning all, hope you enjoyed last night out on the town in Jerusalem.

Jerusalem is truly a multicultural city. A city where all religions and people of the world come together to celebrate its Holiness and Beauty.

You may have noticed half of the roads are torn up- this is because for the last 15 years the municipality has been building a tram, due to cover the course of 15 kilometers.

Jeff form Idaho: 15 years? why so long?

Well, the municipality is facing growing problems of Arabs in East Jerusalem thinking they can just build houses and live in them and that we would be ok with that. So most of the municipalities’ time and money these days goes into destroying those houses and kicking those people out on the street to teach them a lesson about abiding by the rules of a democracy.

Rachel from Boston: now that you mention it, I do remember looking out from the Wailing Wall yesterday and seeing tons of garbage in their streets, no pavements and sewage flowing freely, why is the municipality putting up with such dirty people in the most beautiful city in the world?

The municipality is doing its best to get rid of any non-Jewish distractions in the Holy city but, unfortunately, we can’t proceed at full speed or else the international community might become truly upset. I would however like to assure you Rachel that we take the Arab population in East Jerusalem as a serious matter and are doing our best to cleanse the city of this problem. Already now we are proud to present several families living in tents since their homes were demolished or inhabited with Jews and we make a point of also demolishing these tents periodically in cases where we feel those stupid Arabs aren’t getting the message.

Today we will be heading to Tel-Aviv, and driving there through Road 443. A road we are especially proud of since it is completely stolen land and we get away with not allowing any of its original owners to make any use of it!

**Clapping**

We are about to pass the checkpoint, don’t worry, this checkpoint identifies people based on their ethnicity and religion, and since Jews are not terrorists, we may go freely through. I recommend you all go to sleep while we drive through some stolen land surrounded by an ugly wall we haven’t had the time to cover in beautiful red bricks that make shapes. We’ll wake you up in Tel-Aviv.


Reality Taglit Episode 1

January 7, 2011

(The first in a series to come)…

I would like to welcome the participants of Reality-Taglit-2011 to Israel.

On behalf of Israel’s Jewry, the International Jewry and Europe’s diceased Jewry, I would like to thank you for for sacrificing so much to be here. Obviously you Jews from abroad are all about sacrificing for the state of Israel and we appreciate it. Without you, a 40 year occupation, illegal tear gas and Israeli weapons of mass destruction would not be possible.

Before I go on with the detailed schedule, I would like to ask the females to move to the back of the bus. Allowing females to ride in the front has recently been scientifically proven to sexually turn men on and prevent them from thinking up effective Patriarchal and Militaristic strategies whilst riding the bus, something that could be detrimental to the fragile state of our Jewish existence in this ocean of Jew-haters. Since the State of Israel prides itself on being a high-tech, modern, scientific empire, we are now abiding by these findings.

Oh! Wow, lucky you! If you look quickly to your right, you’ll see a pseudo-religious woman being arrested for trying to pray. How exciting!

Jessica from Pennsylvania (with a confuzzled look on her face): what do you mean pseudo-religious? and why is she being arrested for praying?!

Well Jessica, for starters, these women are not true Jews since they don’t observe the Sabbath and don’t always adhere themselves to the modest dress code good Jews live by.

Jessica (now just looking plain dumb): but those same criteria are true for me as well…

True, but the people paying for you to be here have specifically advised we should not limit you in your dress or be too picky of your Jewish knowledge/ relation to Judaism/ plain morals, otherwise you wouldn’t agree to this huge sacrifice of coming on a two-week all-expenses-paid trip with a private bus and guide which we conveniently end at the Holocaust Museum before sending you back to guilt your ‘back-then-anti-zionist-families-that-chose-america-today-crazy-zionist-god-knows-why-families’ into contributing to our continuous struggle of surviving as the only democracy in the middle east.

Brian from California: So you’re saying that we, American Jews, are actually a bigger help to the existence of Israel then some of the Jews living here? How exciting!

Yes, exactly. Because you don’t live here, have no idea what’s going on here and faithfully subscribe to @IDFSpokesperson and @DannyAyalon and truly believe every piece of bullshit they throw your way and write a check for it, your support is invaluable!

I see there’s really no need for the tour to even leave the parking lot, seems you’ve been made to feel appreciated enough for the first day. You’re all dismissed to go out and drink the rest of the money the world’s Jews are paying into this program.

Just be careful of the diapers and burning trash being swung at you as you depart the bus, we are parked in the old city on the Holy Sabbath after all. Some Holy behavior is to be expected.