I hope you enjoyed your nap on road 443 and would like to welcome you to the State of Tel-Aviv.
Passports won’t be necessary. The official language here is “yuppy”, the official religion “hedonism”. Tel-Aviv is one of Israel’s prides and joys. It is a marvelous example for how millions can completely disassociate themselves from a reality occurring 20 KM east of them, yet remember to Vote Right when the time comes (pun intended, duh).
In order to not completely dissasociate from its parent-state, the Tel-Aviv area has recently chosen a number of struggles to invest their efforts into, out of solidarity with the State of Israel’s struggle for existence. They are currently working on kicking Arab citizens out of their neighborhoods, rounding up political asylum seekers and blaming them for every misfortune to plague the local Police force and convincing Jewish girls to drop their groceries and run if the cashier’s name is Mohammad, Basem, Wasim, Nabil, or anything else that sounds dirty.
Mike from Kentucky: can you maybe tone down the boring politics? We didn’t come here to see what’s going on, we came to see Israel. When will we get a chance to go to the beach? I hear Tel-Aviv has beautiful white sandy beaches.
Yes of course, and you couldn’t be more right, they are uniquely beautiful beaches. In fact, as part of our attempt to promote Tel-Aviv’s beaches, we make sure to eliminate any competition from neighboring countries such as Lebanon. Today we are proud to say that Beirut can no longer be considered in the same European category as Tel-Aviv thanks to us.
We will now be stopping at Azrieli mall for a lunch break. You will be able to witness the hundreds of soldier-secretaries that we have turned our women into. We have managed to get tens of thousands of women to throw away 2 years of their life in order to serve coffee to molesting nincompoops with ego disorders. A phenomenon at which to marvel.
Later today we will be driving up North to the Galilee, where you will be able to witness 40,000 acres of burnt land and houses- another project the State of Israel prides itself on putting a lot of thought into.