(The first in a series to come)…
I would like to welcome the participants of Reality-Taglit-2011 to Israel.
On behalf of Israel’s Jewry, the International Jewry and Europe’s diceased Jewry, I would like to thank you for for sacrificing so much to be here. Obviously you Jews from abroad are all about sacrificing for the state of Israel and we appreciate it. Without you, a 40 year occupation, illegal tear gas and Israeli weapons of mass destruction would not be possible.
Before I go on with the detailed schedule, I would like to ask the females to move to the back of the bus. Allowing females to ride in the front has recently been scientifically proven to sexually turn men on and prevent them from thinking up effective Patriarchal and Militaristic strategies whilst riding the bus, something that could be detrimental to the fragile state of our Jewish existence in this ocean of Jew-haters. Since the State of Israel prides itself on being a high-tech, modern, scientific empire, we are now abiding by these findings.
Oh! Wow, lucky you! If you look quickly to your right, you’ll see a pseudo-religious woman being arrested for trying to pray. How exciting!
Jessica from Pennsylvania (with a confuzzled look on her face): what do you mean pseudo-religious? and why is she being arrested for praying?!
Well Jessica, for starters, these women are not true Jews since they don’t observe the Sabbath and don’t always adhere themselves to the modest dress code good Jews live by.
Jessica (now just looking plain dumb): but those same criteria are true for me as well…
True, but the people paying for you to be here have specifically advised we should not limit you in your dress or be too picky of your Jewish knowledge/ relation to Judaism/ plain morals, otherwise you wouldn’t agree to this huge sacrifice of coming on a two-week all-expenses-paid trip with a private bus and guide which we conveniently end at the Holocaust Museum before sending you back to guilt your ‘back-then-anti-zionist-families-that-chose-america-today-crazy-zionist-god-knows-why-families’ into contributing to our continuous struggle of surviving as the only democracy in the middle east.
Brian from California: So you’re saying that we, American Jews, are actually a bigger help to the existence of Israel then some of the Jews living here? How exciting!
Yes, exactly. Because you don’t live here, have no idea what’s going on here and faithfully subscribe to @IDFSpokesperson and @DannyAyalon and truly believe every piece of bullshit they throw your way and write a check for it, your support is invaluable!
I see there’s really no need for the tour to even leave the parking lot, seems you’ve been made to feel appreciated enough for the first day. You’re all dismissed to go out and drink the rest of the money the world’s Jews are paying into this program.
Just be careful of the diapers and burning trash being swung at you as you depart the bus, we are parked in the old city on the Holy Sabbath after all. Some Holy behavior is to be expected.